I'm back...and I've got a lot of problems with you people

So I've been away from the blog for a little bit. Sue me. So I like to spend time with my child. Is that a sin? Do you have any idea how tough it is to type with a baby sitting on your lap? One hand is for typing and the other one is for a combination of supporting the baby on your lap, balancing her, and getting chewed/slobbered on the whole while. So how is the little one you ask? She's great. In fact, here are some of the latest pictures of her.

Now on to my problems with some of you.

In all fairness my use of the word "you" really isn't anyone in particular. It refers to a general population which more and more is having the appearance of someone who done gone bumped their collected heads. This rant is in recognition of the celebration of FESTIVUS. Not sure what Festivus is? Click here for an explanation. What follows is my personal "Airing of Grievences."

#1. Australia. I'm sure this is coming soon to the United States, but so far just those stupid crocodile chasing, Foster's drinking, prison colony dwelling Aussies have gone so far as to change Santa Claus's trademark "Ho Ho Ho" to "Ha Ha Ha"because "Ho Ho Ho" might be offensive to some people. Stop it. You're being stupid and you're irritating me. Santa Claus says "Ho Ho Ho" because he's jolly and he's helping to celebrate the birth of our Savior. Is that offensive? No. It's time to pull your heads out from Down Under and quit screwing with Santa. To whoever came up with this one I hope they find a lump of Kangaroo dung in their stocking this year. Coal is way to valuable to waste on them. It's a sad world when Larry The Cable Guy correctly called this trend last year on his TV show.

#2. I'm getting sick of people thinking I'm an idiot because I like to talk to my baby. I realize she doesn't actually answer me. I'm not dumb. But I love when I talk to her and she smiles at me. Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Case in point: I was shopping at Kohl's for my wife. Claire is in her stroller. I pick up two items to compair the sizes Claire lets out a loud squeal. I know she was just squealing, because that's what babies do, but her timing was perfect. So I look at her and ask her which one she likes better. A woman standing nearby just stared at me like I was slapping the baby. Sorry ma'am, I thought it was a cute moment. You just go back to being dead inside and mind your own business. #3. People faking their own kidnappings. I hate you people. Why? Why? What has gone wrong in your brain that makes you think "I'm gonna get on a Greyhound bus and go to Vegas and tell everyone some Puerto Rican took me!" Or more recently, as in this morning, the pregnant Toledo attorney who drove her own dang car to Georgia and said 3 people took her. Why? #4. My cheating wife. No, I don't mean it as is she's cheating on me. I mean on Jeopardy. I don't know how she does it, but last night, for the second time this year she guessed the Final Jeopardy question before they revealed the answer. A few months back I was beating her soundly when they showed the catagory "Nations of the World." Lori immediately says "What is Liberia?" We both laughed. After the commercial break the answer is "This is the Western African nation originally established as a colony of former slaves whose capital is Monrovia." I crapped. I knew the answer, but she got it before the commercial which has to make her the automatic winner. Again last night they show the catagory "Landmarks" and she says "What is Mt. Rushmore?" Damned if it weren't. I called my mom right after the show and told her to clean my room up cause I was moving back home. She said why? I said "Because I'm scared." Nations of the world I'll give her. She had roughly a 1 in 153 shot at a correct guess. Still amazing, but 1 in 153 is pretty good. But Mr. Rushmore? Tonight we are going to Cirlcle K and she's picking Lottery numbers.